March 05, 07 ~ Last week, I was having an evening coffee with my two friends, Anes & Aloy. We were just discussing about things that happen in our life. Aloy just had an experience about his father’s sickness, while Anes had just come back from visiting his wife’s family. As for myself, I was just an intrigued audience. We then touch upon the topic of “an unborn child”, where do they go? And where do they end up? This got my attention. “Nes…, remember my story? Maybe that voice who called me that night was my baby.” I said to Anes and Aloy immediately asked: “you had an abortion before?” “YES,” I replied and he said: “That baby is yours! Use your senses to find out if it’s a boy or a girl, and give him/her a name, and pray!” As I was on my way home, I kept on thinking about the incident and I was trying to recall what had happened that day.
About a year after Telis, my 2nd son, was born prematurely with some complications, I found out that I was once again expecting another baby. I wasn’t ready for another one, because Telis needed extra attention & I was afraid that I will not have extra time to take care of him (it was a stupid conclusion*). And so I decided to have an abortion & didn’t talk much about that matter (a decision that I later on regret in my life*).
Years later after I became a single parent, I was working on my computer one (really) late night and was listening to music while the kids were at my mom’s. “Mommy!” I suddenly heard a child’s voice calling. I stood up and turned down the volume to listen more carefully. I tried calling my housemaid, asking if the kids were home and no one answered, as she was already fast asleep. I tried to ignore it, thinking that it must have been just in my head, and focus back to work, when suddenly I heard it again. “Mommyyyy,” the voice was calling for the second time. It got me scared and I called my friend right away. After that night, I never hear that voice again. However, I feel that the child seemed to have tried to approach me in different way. Sometimes when I was checking my kids’ room, even when the boys were not there, I feel like as if there was a child playing in the room. When the boys were having their after school activities, I heard noises as if they were home, but they were not.
The following day, after our evening coffee, I talked to Pak Dra, about it along with some other friends. Unexpectedly, the husband & boyfriend of my girlfriends had experienced similar things. During lunch time, I continued the discussion with Anes and some friends. I was searching for a boy’s name (intending to give the child a name as has been suggested earlier by Aloy), when my friends started to notice that my mind wasn’t focus and I was looking disturbed. Anes decided to call his friend, who knows much about this kind of things and offer me to share with him my experiences. I asked him a lot of questions and he answered them, but, I wasn’t ready for what comes next. He mentioned to me that the child was there beside me as we speak and I was speechless. Anes took over the phone and ask him one last question. “Oh... It’s a girl,” Anes said. A baby girl!!!… I had always wanted a girl. When I heard Anes’ friend described her, I smiled, she look like her brother, Dimi. “Is she about 7 years old?” he asked. I was astonished. Even only a soul, she grows as a 7 year old. After all of that, part of me felt bad for what I did, but another part of me felt happy knowing I have a girl.
One of my friends had given me the book called ‘Mystery of Life’ according to Pdt. Yusak Tjipto. Even though it doesn’t specifically discuss the topic of unborn child, it still gives me some ideas about the life after dead. I also remember what I read in ‘The Purpose Driven Life,’ where God created us even before our parents made us. When we are expecting a child, God gave another SOUL in our body that we are resposible for, born or unborn, wanted or unwanted. My conclusion to all these incidents was that my baby girl just wants to be remembered that she existed, even though she was not born into this world.
Time goes by, with all the goods & bads that happen in my life; I never thought my action will affect me this much, but I learn something from it. When my premature son’s conditions worsen, I remember saying to God: “God if you want to take him, take him! But if you believe that I can take care of him, please give me a chance!” He gave me that chanced and I was pregnant once again, a year later. Why should I be afraid? How silly of me to think that way. He knew that I can take care both of them and that is why He has given me another gift of life. If… and only if, I have this faith at that time, the story will be different, but we cannot live with ‘what if’, this is one good lesson for me. When God give us something in our life, He knows that we can handle it, so we should have fate in Him because He will walk with us.
I know one of my calls in life is to care for children like Telis & other unwanted children. My baby girl woke me up. “Mom… you forget about me!” I did try to, but NO… I don’t and I won’t. You are part of me, I love you, and you are my baby girl, Aphrodite Jennifer, I will meet you in His kingdom.